This Valentine’s Day, I’ve got a delightful guest post written by my long-time friend, former housemate, and current member of my extremely exclusive four-person romance book club, Heidi Thorsen. Heidi is an Episcopal priest with minimal social media presence (but here’s her Twitter) who currently lives and works in New Haven, CT with her husband Will Oxford and her cats Max and Violet. She shared this extremely funny post with me yesterday and, with her permission, I’m sharing it here.
Wondering what to name your baby to maximize the chances that they find True Love and live Happily Ever After? Wonder no more!
Congratulations, it’s a hero!
Sebastian. The perfect name for those who would like their child to be an irresistible rake. Pros: he’s so damn charming. Cons: Um, better start that sex education early.
Simon. 7th Heaven has given us the wrong idea about this name, which is, in actuality, an ideal name for an only child. Warning: naming a child Simon might give them a slight penchant for revenge, against you or someone else who has done them a grievous wrong (hey, no one said parenting was easy).
Ash. In romance novels this is most often a courtesy title (Ashmont, Ashbrooke, Ashmore) shortened to a hip millennial baby name, but why not go straight to the hip millennial baby name? Ashes make great overprotective older brotherly figures. Alternately: Grey (short for Greyson, Greycote) - but who really wants to name their son Grey?
Drake. Rhymes with “rake,” sounds like that unfortunate name of the 90s “Blake.” Nevertheless, we like Drakes. If they seem power hungry from time to time, it’s only because they are grappling with a personal or existential feeling of powerlessness. Deep, I know. Drakes have layers. Alternately: Griffin.
Gabriel. The golden child, the apple of your eye! He might be an upright fellow or he might be a rake; an angel or a fallen angel; but in any case he’s got charisma. Alternately: Kit, short for Christopher. A slightly less angelic name, though this “Christ bearer” tends to be a golden boy all the same.
Philip. Alternately Lucas, James. You can always rely on a Philip, a Lucas, or a James. They might have spent time on a ship, or in the military - they will be captains of imaginary ships on the playground. They know the value of rules, and from time to time experience a transcendent nostalgia for being a part of something bigger, a collective, a brotherhood, a sweeping romance! But mostly, they will stick to the rules. Rules are safe. Safe is good.
Benedict. Benedict is pretty average. Great name for a second son. Good partner at a ball; fetches you lemonade; nothing to swoon over. Benedict is eggs on toast - but you gotta bring the Hollandaise, and maybe some hot sauce too...
Alastair. Alternately Mac, Malcolm, Alec, Tavish. Alastair will wear kilts, eat haggis, and make love to his sweetheart in the heather. But most of all, he will be fiercely loyal to his home, whether or not that home is literally Scotland. Looking to raise a loyal little Laird? Look no further.
Mick / Mickey / Michael. He is smart, resourceful, attractive (in a cockney or piratical way) - and yes, he is probably Irish. A sturdy, versatile name for someone who knows how to turn lemons into lemonade. Or grain into gin. Alternately: Rhys (the Welsh variety of Mick).
Devil. Alternately Beast, Beelzebub, Demon, Lucifer. Are these nicknames? Perhaps. Or just cut to the chase, and give your child a name that strikes fear (and perhaps confusion) into the hearts of strangers. Low expectations yield great returns - just think about when their childhood friends discover that Devil, Beast, and Beelzebub are softies at heart.
Congratulations, it’s a heroine!
Violet. In a bouquet of siblings - your Lilies, Roses, and Hyacinths - Violet will always be the bookish bluestocking. If you’ve been taking those prenatal vitamins for brain development, and have already bought a little baby onesie for Girton Ladies Seminary, this might be the name for you.
Temperance. Alternately Prudence, Patience, Charity, Grace, or (the up and coming name on baby lists in 2021, surely:) Silence. Give your child a virtuous name to shore her up against the vanities of the world. She will undoubtedly wear stodgy dresses and bonnets until she finds her one true love who will see the beauty beneath the starch.
Lavinia. Alternately Cecelia, Celia, Cecily, Sesily. Sugar, spice, and everything nice - ladies with these names are most likely seen as fun-loving and flirty, but the true effect of bearing such a name is hidden beneath the surface: these are ladies of supreme competence. Whether designing the latest couture or dispatching villains, Lavinia & co. get it done.
Katherine / Catherine. Katherine’s favorite color is grey, either because she’s pretending to be a maid, or because she is a maid, or because she’s running a school, or a household, or she simply because doesn’t have time to dabbling with frivolous colors. Katherine is Lavinia stripped of the lace. Forget the icing on the cake. Katherine is competence. Pure competence. Alternately: Jane.
Sophia. Like her bluestocking friend Violet, Sophia is smart - but usually not in a frumpy bookish way. Think: distinguished. Friends come to her for advice on relationships. Brothers let her keep track of the account books. She probably has a hobby that she’s secretly really good at, such as playing chess or picking locks. Alternately: Minerva, Artemis, Diana, Evelyn / Eve.
Christine / Christina. Christine is the blancmange of heroines. Sweet. Opaque. Gelatinous? Generally liked in society. You might think that Christine is nothing to write home about, but here’s the remarkable thing about blancmange: it’s got some impressive wobble. Let the storms of outrageous fortune batter Christine; pit her against the most the most icy heroes and the most ruthless villains. Christine will always bounce back. Alternately: Eleanor, Georgina.
Penelope. Penelope is an oddball, no way around it. She might wear spectacles, she might have been jilted at the altar, she might write a secret society gossip column, she might take in a strange array of foster pets. While Penelope may not be fashionable, she’s priceless.
Calpurnia. Alternately Cressida, Ophelia, Viola, or any other unusual Shakespearean name. These namesakes can be as diverse as Shakespearean characters, though it’s pretty likely one of her defining traits will be a thirst for independence. Bring on the breeches! Some non-Shakespearean alternatives of a similar nature: Freyja, Boadicea.
Isabelle / Isabel. Alternately Esme, Vivian, Jess (Jessica, Jessamyn, Jessalyn): The bold and brash choice. Isabelles will be the talk of the ton (not always in a good way). She could be an actress, an opera singer, a mistress, a society queen - but no matter what accomplishments she achieves, no one puts Isabelle in a corner.
Agatha. Have you ever met a heroine named Agatha? We haven’t either. This name practically exudes whip-smart spinster aunt. What better namesake could there be? For the love of excellent aunts, pick this one! Alternately: Araminta, Agnes, Beatrix / Beatrice, Doris.